My Golden Buzzer

Dear Diary, My Golden Buzzer

18 July, 2024

2 am

Where are you? I know I hurt you and treated you badly, but I am here to say sorry. I didn’t mean any of it. My life is empty without you. I haven’t been able to concentrate at all.

I miss how He would just pop His head around my room door saying, “Hey, need a break?” And I would bark, “I don’t have time for a break,” or I’d groan, “I’ve got so much to do.” But still, He would nudge me with that irresistible wink saying, “Come on, Girl,” or “Even the busiest people need to take a break. How about a walk?”

Reluctantly, I would go for those walks I secretly yearned for. With Him, the air felt so fresh. His positive vibes gave a warm welcoming embrace to the many little things I usually overlook – like the way the sunlight filters through the trees, the cheerful chirping of the birds, or even the withered feet of pigeons never went unnoticed. But now, it is as though that eager angel of destruction had blown the trumpet, and I am already in Hades.

How do I say sorry to the one I love? Please forgive me.

It all started in my flat always at 3 am on Monday, the 15th of July.

I dragged myself out of bed, hair looking like I’ve been wrestling with a tornado, and there He was, with a big grin, shining like the bright morning sun. Oh, I am madly in love with this Guy, more than all of you put together.

I tried to greet Him, “Good morning, God,” but all that came out was the rush of air, no sound. Hold up! What is happening? Is this a dream? I pinched myself and massaged my throat to make sure I hadn’t become Ariel from “The Little Mermaid.”

Looking at the mac and cheese God was making on the stove, I knew I had to make another attempt to be eligible to beg for some. So, I chanted, “Get behind me, Satan,” and stretched my neck like an ostrich to try again. “Good morning, God,” I attempted once more, and there it went, like a muted trumpet, breezeeeeeeeeee!

Before I started to become furious, I wanted to be sure we didn’t have company. God’s company can be more erratic and visibly terrifying with their powers than God Himself towards man. They could have quickly made me mute, seeing that I, this mere mortal, was fraternising with the Eternal One. You know those ones are like soldiers; they only hear “Go,” not “Come.” So, I gestured to God, “please, are your other creations here”?

Looking around, I saw it was just me and God! So, who the heck took my voice? Knowing I must greet my God to access some mac and cheese with a cup of tea, I had to try for a third time. You can imagine my horror when it was all air. It dawned on me that there’s a big possibility that I may have just lost my voice and God was enjoying the show of my struggle to talk so I could beg for some mac and cheese.

That was when I finally launched into furious mode. I stomped my tiny little feet out of the kitchen, hell-bent on starting a fight. Peopleeeeee, a fight I cannot finish.

I sat at my desk fuming and going through all the messages I refused to look at since the 1st of July. There was a message from Diane: “Today marks the beginning of the next six months of 2024. Just as it is for you, these next six months seem to be the most crucial for me, too.” Deleting it, I moved to the next one from Julia.

I was angry that even if we are already self-pressured, people have a penchant for being unrelenting in their surveys. I hissed and opened the one from José, and there it was staring at me, “What have you achieved in the first six months of the year?” For God’s sake, how is that any part of your problem in this life?

Now, I was legitimately furious at both God and all the messages from people who escalate their finances and declare, “Now I’m as rich as Elon Musk,” or flaunt the many other achievements they only googled to package their so-called motivational speeches, which I’m 100% certain they NEVER live by. I stopped looking at my messages and my thoughts drifted.

Paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam was the sound that jolted me back to reality. Is that my alarm? How could it be so loud? I cussed under my breath. Only to see God right in front of me, holding a golden buzzer button.

Me, that I was already angry because of mac and cheese, angry for being without my voice, angry for being ignored, and just angry like an angry bird, then I got another excuse to be angrier at God for pressing that thing. I mean, why are you even holding a golden buzzer? Do you have to be so loud about it? This is me, the perpetual ingrate that hasn’t even said good morning yet.

To break the ice, God said, “Good morning, Olu!” He beamed at me with an enthusiasm only an Eternal Being could muster. “Congratulations, you’ve made it to another day, without begging for mac and cheese or the ability to speak!” He tried to cheer me up. I glared like a witch.

Practically bouncing with excitement, He said, “Every day is a victory worth celebrating!” As it is written, “This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.” (Psalm 118:24) He continued. “Oh Olu, you sure deserve the golden buzzer to celebrate your dawn for the day, which fortunately doubly acts as your alarm clock to reality. I can see that you are in a foul mood, and I needed something to lighten the atmosphere.”

Mouthing, I said, “So you had nothing to lighten up the atmosphere, you go to pick up a golden buzzer button and you press it as though you are Simon Cowell? Are we now in a muted talent show? Should I be mad at you or I should love you? I have mixed feelings, because I am madly in love with you and that madly means as in rage – right now.”

I shuffled from my table to the kitchen to make some tea as God didn’t give me mac and cheese, frustrating His little effort to make up with me. Notwithstanding, He follows me, radiating enough energy to power a small city. This is me wondering why I haven’t been blown away with all my tantrums.

“So, Olu, what’s the plan for today?” He asks, peering over my shoulder as I reach for the tea bags. “Well,” I say, thinking about my never-ending to-do list. “I need to work on my papers, respond to some emails, and maybe try to figure out how to be as productive as all those Elon Musks out there.”

God chuckles. “Elon Musk, huh? Well, remember, even he started somewhere. It’s not about comparing yourself to others, but about doing your best with what you’ve got.” As it says in Galatians 6:4, “Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else.” #Yinmu

As I sipped my tea, I couldn’t help but feel a bit better. It’s hard not to when God Himself is your personal cheerleader and the greatest golden buzzer presser who hasn’t made you Elon Musk yet and is still very happy standing in your kitchen with you. Why aren’t you happy, Olu? I retorted, “Return my voice.”

Then he said, “Oh! We are back to this voice complaint. With this attitude, I am not going to return it fully until Thursday. Maybe you’d become a bit remorseful. Normally I should punish you or abandon you right this minute, but I wouldn’t because my love for you is so strong.” And then He hands me a plate of pancakes, with caramel syrup and cheesecake plus blueberries draped all over, and vamoosed from my side, His glory exiting – like someone shut the sky.

I sat there speechless, looking at my plate of pancakes. As delightful as the plate looked, satisfying every favourite craving I could possibly have, far above the mac and cheese that made me start to behave like an entitled brat, I couldn’t bring myself to even take a slice. I couldn’t remember why I was so angry at Him. A tear dropped from my eyes. I have driven my love away. Who will be the best thing since sliced bread now? My irreplaceable!

Memories of how many times God presses that golden buzzer per day for every achievement flooded my heart. Like the time I finally managed to untangle my headphones in under a minute. “Bravo, Olu!” He cheered, golden confetti falling from the ceiling. Or whenever I made toast without burning it, there was God, pressing that golden buzzer with gusto. “You’re a culinary genius, Olu!” Or the day I found my keys in my bag on the first try. “Amazing work!” He would exclaim, acting as if I’d just discovered a new planet.

God was there, celebrating each moment with unbridled enthusiasm. I wonder why it is we who have classified these as mundane. With more tears, I reflected on my day, realizing how privileged I am. I may not have Elon Musk’s bank account or a list of monumental achievements to flaunt, but I have something just as valuable – the unwavering support and love of my divine flatmate.

And that golden buzzer He hits for me every morning? It’s a reminder that no matter how tough things get, I’ve got this. We’ve got this. So, bring on the next six months, Diane – I’m ready for whatever comes my way, with God by my side, cheering me on. But now, where is HE? Where is my love?

You all can see that I am my own undoing. So, I started with my psalms, pleading “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.” I whispered, please forgive me, I am sorry.

**3 am**

I have been to the kitchen a zillion times and there He was not. Feeling awkward, I flew to my knees and prostrated at where His feet usually were, letting go of all my spoiltness and embracing nothing more than my contrite heart. I needed my God to see how sorry my heart is. Oh Lord, I am so sorry. Where are you?

My alarm buzzed at 4 am, but I didn’t move. Then I started coughing and it wouldn’t stop, so I decided to get some water. I looked up from the floor and there HE WAS. My heart melted like salted butter.

“You see,” He says, “sometimes, you need to step back and appreciate the small things. They’re what make life beautiful.” A sea of relief flowed through me, and I felt immediately rejuvenated. I asked, please can I hug you? Before I could finish my sentence, He hugged me and I lavished Him with kisses like sweet perfume, crying with every kiss, my Lord and my God, I am sorry.

I began to confess my sins, and with each word, I said, please I am sorry, forgive and forget. I haven’t been able to write; the cursor of my laptop keeps blinking accusingly at me for my empty pages. God walked me to my desk and breathed on me. He said, “My daughter, peace be upon you. Start to write.” And I did.

Looking up, God gave me a thumbs-up from across the room, and I can’t help but smile satisfactorily. Now, I said, “Thank you for coming back. Promise me you’d never leave?” God says, “How can I give you up, Oluwatoyosiyinikansosolaiyeatilorun? How can I abandon you? My heart will not let me do it! My love for you is too strong – Hosea 11:8.”

PS: And to you who is reading, He can’t give up on you, He won’t give you up and His love for you is too strong for Him to leave you halfway.

Until next time,