Dear Diary,

7th April 2024

Today’s mass was quite the rollercoaster, let me tell you. As Father droned on, earnestly asking for the forgiveness of our sins, my mind wandered into uncharted territories. I found myself in a full-blown conversation with Jesus. Yes, right there, in the midst of the consecration.

I leaned in and whispered, “Baba, wetin dey sup? Abeg make I speak pidgin – Why you dey do like this? I know say dem crucify you over two thousand years ago, but abeg, I no follow for that gang o! Wetin I do wey you dey form Pontius Pilate for my matter?” With Pidgin, I began this divine banter, trying to negotiate my way into divine favour like a street vendor haggling over prices at the market.

Just as I was getting into it, that pesky devil on my shoulder decided to chime in, trying to rain on my parade, “See, he does not love you. If he did, it’s about time you should have received all you prayed for. Just forget him! He has denounced you!”

Ha! As if I’d fall for that trick! I gave the devil the side-eye of a lifetime. “Werey re o,” I muttered, and I continued my negotiations with Jesus, with a sprinkle of sass and a dash of desperation. I turned to my right. “Sweet Jesus, if you wan reject me, see wetin devil dey talk? Even if you reject me, that one no mean say devil go accept me o! You wey create me sabi wetin you create. You know say me and am, we no fit coexist. So, biko, just dey manage me like that, I know say my character bad.” Jesus smirked. Chei! My Saviour, why you dey smirk? Na beg I dey beg you so. He said “make we beg Baba“. I was shook.

Father snapped me back to reality with his “At the Saviour’s command and formed by divine teaching, we dare to say,” and I reluctantly joined in, “Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name; thy kingdom come….” But as Father droned on, my mind drifted back to our conversation. “Jesus, where you wan make I go? Ehn? Abeg show me small mercy.

Na you show mercy to the woman wey get issue of blood! Na you wake Lazarus up even though he don dey smell! You know that man now, that one wey him hand wither, you tell am make him stretch hand – even the jealousy Pharisee confirm say the hand heal. So, I no understand, I no even dey ask for big-big things like that, just this small matter make you flex muscle small, you dey show me shege. Abeg, my darling Jesus, no shenk me.” Jesus just LOL-ed.

Before I could get all worked up again, Father interrupted with “Let us offer each other the sign of peace.” I didn’t hesitate to demand a quick kiss from Jesus. After all, who needs a handshake when you can get a kiss, right? “Jesus, please come and kiss me here,” I said, raising my chin. “Thank you.” Father interrupted again, “Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world,” I muttered through tears, looking at my Jesus, “See as all of us dey ask for mercy, see na my own go loud pass.” Jesus giggled that it had passed. I screamed out “Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world, grant us peace” was what I said. Jesus laughed again, saying I wasn’t fast enough to catch the “have mercy on us X2”. As we knelt back, a tear ran down my left cheek.

“Why you dey do like this, make I hail you…Mighty Jesus, Beautiful Jesus, Master Jesus, Jesus the No Rival, My friend, My Lover, My Koko-Bello 1 … Yet, again Father jolted me out of my thoughts with “Blessed are those called to the supper of the Lamb”. I chorused with others in tears, “Lord, I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof, but only say the word and my soul shall be healed.” Slowly, I repeated, “Jesus, be my love. Jesus, help me. Please let this shege banza pass, true, I will not disappoint you.”

As people formed a queue, I told my Jesus, “I don’t need to receive communion now, shebi you are here with me.” Jesus’ eyes became so big with shock, I didn’t even need him to say a word. I jumped to join the queue. As we approached the altar, I couldn’t help but feel like I’d just been on a wild ride at the amusement park of spirituality. Father’s words prompting me pulled me back into the fold of the congregation, with the words “Body of Christ”.

I saw his hands and eyes urging me to do something. At first, I looked at Father wondering what was wrong with him. He kept on the second time, “Body of Christ?” Jesus screamed, “Girl, I urge you, open your mouth.” Oh boy, I forgot. It dawned on me my mouth was like those of a mute. I quickly said, Amen and received communion. If not that Father knows me, all those assistant Fathers like hawks would have bundled me out of the queue like a bag of sausages. But my mind was still buzzing with the antics of my conversation with Jesus.

I got to my seat and knelt in prayer, I turned to Jesus, “Why you dey do like this, do we have a deal, or you are the deal breaker between I and the Father? He was quiet. I was like, Jesus talk quick quick, mass will soon end.” He said “deal breaker, but never doubt, I am with you all the way. Call me and I will appear like I just did” then He vamoozed from my side. And Father, yet again now said, “Go forth, the Mass is ended, Alleluia, Alleluia.” I just wanted to scream at Father that kini gan!

Instead, I didn’t even bother to reply. Like the God’s-spoilt-brat that I am, I kuku said, “Daddy wey dey pamper, see as you don break my heart and Monday never even start, you serve hot breakfast!” But I felt relieved. I felt Godfidence knowing He guarantees that He is with me no matter what. My brain, oh my hot brain, quickly sprang into action. I closed my eyes and this time called on Father Abraham. I said, abeg next time cut soap for me because it is looking like, you are the pro max negotiator of all time.

So, here I am, dear Diary, with nothing but peace in my heart and a postponed list of prayers. My attempted bribery and negotiation only left me with a divine upgrade that is, a life with Jesus by my side. Amen to that!

Yours Sincerely,”

Did you read about Rude People? Here is the link https://oluwatoyosiabikoye.com/rude-people/