May 28th, 2018
Sazzy, how could you? Do you think you are still a child? Why can’t you wake up by yourself? You really seem to like it when Mum has to wake you up every single day from that nonsense sleep, while she complains about your incessant *hhhhrrrrrrnnnnngggg* alarms that wakes up the whole house, but you.
I dash out of bed and ran into the bathroom like someone chased by a robber, brushed my teeth….all the while I stared into the mirror while I *szuru* *szuru*, *chika* *chika* *chika* and then the sting of cool water hits my natural hair from head to toe. Osanobua! Thank you for giving man the sense of innovation. The shower is my sweet lover.
All refreshed and happy, I remember how late I am, I stumble out of the shower, hitting my smallest toe. I just had to cry. Ehn, who have I offended? There’s no pain in the world greater than hitting your last toe on something or having a mosquito bite underneath your foot that makes you scratch directionlessly without satisfaction.
I am so late….. Sazzzzy…….late o………….You are late. Everyday lateeeee. ehn. I kept saying to myself. Today of all days that you have to be at the House of Assembly for the public hearing of the Bill. Is this how you will be destroying the zero image you have?
Tormenting myself, I ran into the kitchen trying to figure out my g-strings and strapping my bra to my chest, making sure there was no spill over of boobs. It’s not like I have big boobs, but I just have to make that conscious effort, as I made my usual trip to the kitchen. They say we must learn to multi-task…… so I picked up my favourite pan and placed it on the gas, to make my morning noodles. Dashed back to my room, picked up a hair band and pulled my twist-out hair into one bunch. I check it out in the mirror, hmm…..interesting, this bunch has to be named Lekki Phase 1. I winked!
Noodles now ready, I put off the gas and ran back to the room to wear my dress. After I had worn and discarded four dresses, I settled for the fifth, with my flat pumps. I have won the fashion war! I changed my bag and then made the same trip back to the kitchen, banging all the doors I came in contact with and dropping everything in my way in that careless can’t-you-see-how-late-I-am attitude.
While using the eco-style gel for the edge of my hair with one hand, I ate my noodles with the other.
Suddenly, my mum walked in with my sister each welding a stick (that stick we use to turn eba…aka..Omorogun)…looking shocked like they had seen a ghost. Ahan!!!! Warapen now! Dayo will just be behaving as if she is a karate kid! See how they just crept up on me. I almost wet my pant. What’s wrong I ask, I was still very lost and confused……..as I put the final set of noodles and boiled egg in my mouth.
My sister had this look, as if I had transmogrified into a bush baby. A very horrified look of *are you becoming crazy sister* or *have you joined the Harry Porter’s crew*. I ignored her. My mum too was transfixed as she gazed at something with her mouth open. My mind told me something must be really wrong.
I followed her look, saw the wall clock and the styling brush in my hand dropped.
*Sweet Heart of Jesus*
*My Ancestors, are you sleeping?*
*Now my village people have won*
*Dayo will torment me till I die*
*May my future husband not read this*
*Who have I offended gangan na, as in who is it that has failed, refused and chosen not to forgive me?*
*It must have been Dunsin, Samsam and Oluseyi’s handiwork in my matter*
Well!! *I braced up* *acted like the lawyer that I am,* *especially as the ground had refused to open up to swallow me and my newly found amazing shame, and I just couldn’t bend down and begin to crawl my way to Japan, I sighed.
It was just *1:15 am*
Now it all made sense to me why all of a sudden, everywhere stood still in time and my sister had that stick in her hand. Either to beat the hell out of that supposed intruder or bang some sense into my head to be sure I was still sane.
No wonder the house was so quiet.
My mum just walked away and my sister kept laughing and took pictures. Definitely, it was Oluseyi who took wicked pictures of me the day before at The Destiny’s trust Kid Innovation Hub launch, that passed the spirit unto my sister. Chai! I counted my loss. Where do I start from?
I already had my bath, stomach filled with noodles, edges styled to 98% and it was just 1:17am. It is imperative for me to kneel down and say *Oh God, Chimo! Arise and break the teeth of the ungodly gathered against me in the name of Jesus. I reject every evil instructions over me. Ha! Should I go to bed or just wait till morning? Hmm Jamb question.
Dayo peeped into my room and in that sarcastic tone said *Sazaziiiii, go to bed, we have saved you from your meeting people today, the blood of Jesus pleads for you………..GO TO BED OOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! You ain’t going nowhere. When you will not rest and you will not look at the time. Auto-body mode has failed you today. Don’t worry, I will wake you up at 6:30. You don’t need another bath.
I woke up at 5:53am, I must tell you the soothing sound of being the first one up in the house is priceless. I’m up even before Dayo’s dog. Praise God.
Got to work nice and early and no one would have thought I had displayed some moment of unprecedented human-sleep walking behaviour. We all need this kind of comic relief once in a while….but, please not when Dayo is around.
Dear God, I join the heavenly hosts to say: “We give thanks to you, Lord God Almighty, the One who is and who was, because you have taken your great power and have begun to reign. (Rev 11:17)
It could have been worse than this, supposing I had strolled out to take transport? I leave the rest to your imagination.
*lagossazzylawyer* signs out.
Let me face my work….it’s Monday.